Prison life itself is such a negative thing. It is so repressive that prisoners look in any direction to relieve their loneliness and despair. I have found in my experience that lack of education has a direct correlation to violence. The uneducated have less options to deal with perceived attacks on their pride or self-esteem. They can't successfully argue their points or ideas. They revert to brute strength to force their ideas on others. If successful it makes them feel good about themselves. To many, this is the only way they have learned to deal with things. Power of the fittest becomes the "modus operandi" of the prison population.
In such places even the more educated inmates can find themselves in a situation where they must use force to survive. If they have to confront violence often, one becomes what he is trying to avoid. Many men decide it is better to become an abuser rather then be abused. A few were violent abusers of women on the streets and pray on weak smaller males in prison. To them dominance is everything. When they have sex it is to dominate and humiliate and they receive pleasure from this. Many of their victims are traumatized for life.
All prisons have certain things in common. All people who are held captive against their will have similar feelings to varying degrees, but prisons very widely in the way administrators monitor and control inmates activities. Large overcrowded institutions cannot monitor and control all inmate activities. As long as the inmates are being fed, clothed, receive minimum medical services, and are not killing themselves, or the officers on a large scale, the administration is satisfied. Sexual practices are ignored in these overcrowded prisons.
Prison administrations are as different as the individuals running them. Some individuals try hard to run safe institutions while overcrowded, under staffed, and under budgeted. Sometimes it just cannot be done. Any time forced double celling, and blind spots are not eliminated, rapes, murders, and robbery will proliferate. The larger the prison the more it will happen. The smaller less populated prisons are easier to control and are safer.
The first time I went to jail I was 18 years old. I had gone AWOL from the navy, was living with 3 prostitutes, and befriended an older Marine. The Marine and I decided to pull an armed robbery of a small convenience store. A policeman happened to be in the area, and after a long chase we werearrested and went to jail. We ended up in different tanks in the Sonoma County Jail in California. I was 6'1" and weighed about 180 pounds. I wasn't a small guy and figured I could pretty well take care of myself. I was in for a big surprise.
Their were 20 men in my tank, it was split into two 10 man pods with 5 bunk beds in each pod, a day room was between them. The day room had four large steel tables to eat on, a toilet and shower was in the rear. The first night I was approached by 3 men. Two of them were about my size and the third was about 20 pounds and 6 inches smaller. They asked who I was and what I was in for. I told them and then one of them asked if I had ever been fucked. I said "no and I wasn't planning on it "he said "we're going to fuck you". l was filled with fear like I had never felt before. I swung at him with a left hook and as he blocked it his partner swung and hit me in the face knocking me to the floor. One of them grabbed me by the hair and slammed my face into the concrete knocking me out.
When I woke I was on my stomach, my pants had been pulled off, my legs were spread wide apart with one guy sitting on each leg and the other guy laying on my back. The guy on top was slapping me awake and said I want you to feel this. He proceeded to drive his cock deep into my butt. I had never felt such pain and tried to get away. They held me in such a way I knew they had done this to someone before. He fucked me for what seemed like forever and then came in me. Then he switched places with another one, and all three raped me. After it was over I was held in a head lock while they debated if they should kill me or not. I was asked if I was going to snitch and I told them "no". They said they would kill me if I said anything to anyone. I really thought I was going to die.
The next day they left me alone, I was numb and didn't know what to do. I was raised not to snitch on people and to handle my own problems and this was reinforced in Navy Boot-camp. As much as l wanted too, I rejected snitching as an option. I was looking at 5 years to life in prison for the armed robbery. If I snitched and then went to prison they could very easily have me killed. I was from another state and knew no one in California. I was so terrified and filled with shame and fear. My options were so limited, I felt paralyzed and helpless. I had no one to talk too, or to help me.
That night the same three came back to my bunk. They said I was their punk now and it would do no good to try and fight because they'd just take me down and hurt me again even worse then before. My head was throbbing from the beating, my right eye was black and swollen shut, and my butt hurt. They told me to take a shower and shave all the hair off my body from the neck down. I was just like a robot and did what they said. Going along was better then getting beat or killed. I didn't reason it out I just did it.
After shaving they told me I was going to give them all head. I didn't want to and resisted. I said "please don't make me do this. I couldn't imagine sucking a mans cock!! I was slapped and my head was forced down to the first guys cock by my hair. I started sucking his cock and he gave me instructions on how to suck it. He grabbed me by the hair and forced his cock down my throat when he came. I thought he was going to gag me to death and I puked on the floor after he let go. The others must have been turned off cause they left me alone that night. I was still in shock the next day and wondered what would happen next I even thought about killing myself.
The next night the same three came to me again. This time they told me to take off my pants. I was given Vaseline and told to lay on my stomach and put some on my butt. I did what I was told. This time they told me to help by pushing like I was taking a shit as he pushed his cock in my ass. It made it allot easier as he took his time working it in making it less painful. It was still uncomfortable and I felt like I had to take a shit while he was in me. This time he fucked me like he would probably fuck a woman and it wasn't near as bad as the first time. The second guy fucked me about the same way while the third had me give him head at the same time. Their was nothing pleasurable about it yet I was perplexed about getting a hard on. I was afraid about it because I thought they would beat me if they saw it. I also wondered if I could be homosexual. That really bothered me!
I now know that when a man's Prostate Gland is stimulated he will get an involuntary hard on. It was very confusing at the time. I was able to keep them from noticing because they always had me lay on my stomach for sex. Things started to tapper off after this and they weren't so demanding. I would have sex with one of them at a time, and at different times, however others in the pod started to become interested.
I would be woken up at different times of the night and asked to perform sex. I would just do it rather then risk being beaten. The men began to treat me gently and after a week or so they started letting me play cards with them and gave me candy bars and stuff. Before that I was ostracized, no one talked to me nor would they eat with me.
After a time some of them would even protect me against the three that originally raped me. They would abuse me by calling me a punk and asked things like, "do you like getting fucked in the ass bitch" and "what would your girlfriends think of you now". They even got into my things and wrote to the girls I had been living with and told them I was a punk. Sometimes they would pull my hair or slap me while I gave them head. The other guys started to get on them about it. I appreciated them sticking up for me and started to like them. These other guys treated me real well during sex. Some of them preferred getting head and some liked fucking better.
Even though I wasn't saying no anymore they all knew they were raping me. I knew it was established that I was a sex toy and if I ever flat refused I'd be beaten badly. I thought of the first three as violent rapists and the others as opportunists and in reality nice rapists. They wouldn't come out and take sex violently but would take advantage of a scared young person who they knew couldn't say no.
At this point I was trapped in this role. I reasoned that I had better Just make the best of it and get past this the best I could. After awhile the sex wasn't all un-pleasurable, however I became rudely aware of what frustration many, many women go through. As I would lay on my stomach getting fucked some of the guys treated me just like a women. As they got hotter and hotter they'd start grinding nicely and kissing on my neck and back and rub on my sides, legs, butt, and stomach. This felt so good and I'd Just give in to it and enjoy it. I would start fucking them back so I could grind my cock into the bed and get my own pleasure. It felt really good, but right when I would start getting real hot they would usually cum and put all their weight on me before I could orgasm. Then after we got up they wouldn't talk to me or even look at me. It really made me feel like shit.
Although I never initiated sex with anybody their were two guys I enjoyed having sex with. One would wake me up real late and lead me into the day room. He'd have me rub Vaseline all over his cock and then bend me over the table. He'd enter me very slowly and hold onto my hips and run his hands up and down my ass and legs as he'd pump and grind his cock in me just as if I was a women. When I got hard he'd reach around and grab my cock and jack me off as he fucked me. We'd both usually come at the same time.
The other one would have everyone leave the room. He'd have me lay on my back and he'd spread my legs and held them up to my chest. I'd grease my butt real well with Vaseline and he'd enter me. I'd cover my balls and cock with one hand to hide it and to keep my balls from being smashed between us. He'd slowly push into me and start slowly fucking me. As he got hotter he'd lean forward and put my free hand on his head and start sucking on my neck and nipples. I'd hold his head as he sucked on my nipples. He'd keep his eyes closed pretending I was his wife and say "Oh baby fuck me move that ass baby" and tell me he loved me. I would push my ass back against each of his strokes making it as good as I could for him as I would grind my hard cock against my hand at the same time. If he was getting ready to cum before me I'd reach down and pinch his cock at the base so it would stop his orgasm and he'd have to start building for it over again. That would give me a chance to get into it and orgasm myself. I liked it best that way cause I felt I had more control over the situation. I figured if I'm going to do it I might as well get into it myself and get off when ever I could. He was really cold afterwards but the next day he was nice and stuck up for me the most. The orgasms I had with those two were very strong and intense. It felt like they were really making love to me even though I knew they weren't.
I started to even feel a sense of power that I'm sure many females feel around groups of men. I could walk by them in the day room and shake my ass and they'd get all silly. I could have even started fights between them If I wanted to but I never did because I knew it could back fire and get me killed. I was beginning to like certain aspects of being treated like a female. It did stir up a new part of me inside, a feminine sexy part.
It all came to an end when they gave a guy a blanket party and shoved a sharp lead pencil up his ass. The investigators wanted me to tell them who did it, and told me they knew what was happening to me on that block. I told them to go fuck themselves. It really pissed me off that they wanted to know what happened to the other guy but wouldn't stop what was happening to me. They are truly fucking pigs!! They put me in an isolation cell after that. I went to prison and luckily what happened didn't follow me and I never had problems with that again.
I became very aggressive and would fight at the drop of a hat. The bad thing is that I took that aggression with me to the streets when I got out. Now I'm doing a life sentence for killing someone who threatened me. Right now I'm 6'2" and weigh 250 pounds. I'm a power lifter now and run with some of the most feared guys in the joint. None of my friends would ever believe this happened to me. If you put me in a room with those three rapists today they'd be climbing the walls trying to get away, and begging for their lives. I'd break their arms and legs one by one and leave them squirming on the floor withering in pain. If I ever get out of prison, WOE to the man who ever rapes or abuses a women or child around me!!!
I kept this to myself for years until I was married and my wife started crying one night. I asked her what was wrong and she told me about her uncle raping her when she was 14 years old and how she told her folks and they didn't believe her. I held her and told her I understood. She said I couldn't understand because I was a man. So I opened up and told her what happened to me in jail. She looked at me and said "You let it go on for weeks and did nothing to stop it"? I tried to explain and she said "I can't believe I married a PUNK"? so I just said no I didn't say that, you misunderstood me forget about it!! I was devastated, I was really in love with her and now I didn't know how she felt about me. I never talked to anyone about it again. Her uncle ended up in the hospital about a week later with a bunch of broken ribs. We divorced about 6 months later.
I do believe the experience helped me to become more sensitive to womens' needs, and I've been told that I'm a very good lover. I love to eat pussy for hours, and my favorite position is the women on top and 69. I haven't met a women yet I couldn't help to become orgasmic. I have developed some deep relationships with women over the years but I never could share my rape experience with them. I've been afraid of being rejected again because of it. I have wanted to several times but I just couldn't get it out. I also have trouble sharing my feelings and l believe I've suffered greatly for it.
I have always been a heterosexual and have never had a desire for men. It's been 18 years sense that experience in the county jail]. I have been in prison 13 years now and I have never had sex with another man. I have sometimes fantasized about having sex with a young male while I've been masturbating, but I could never do it in real life. 1 know the fantasy stems from that part of the experience when I received pleasure while in a horrible situation. The fear, desperation, and helplessness are not present now so I probably wouldn't find anything pleasurable about it now, and don't want to find out.
The rape of a man or women is a horrible thing. I know what a women feels when she is raped. I know the feeling of helplessness, the shame, guilt, self-doubt, self-blame, and fear. The greatest fear for me was that someone I knew would find out. Other men do not understand, will not try to understand, and will ostracize a man who has been raped. I found in my experience I couldn't trust women either. It could be worse for men in this respect because they have no one to talk to and are afraid of rejection. You keep it secret and let no one know. Violence can be a by-product of men who have been raped. They will come on extra aggressive against other men to protect themselves from being perceived vulnerable or weak. I suspect that the rape experience causing alcohol abuse, and drug addiction, has lead to the death of many men who cross swords with the male rape victim.
Many male and female rape victims experience "Rape Trauma Syndrome" (RTS). This is a devastating form of "Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder" which military combat veterans suffer from. I must admit that I probably suffer from RTS, and it could be the reason I'm in prison today. Although I was never an angel and did engage in some criminal activity. I was never violent and had never hurt another person until after the rape experience. I'm just not a mean, or hurtful person.
I have buried this experience in the back of my memory for so many years, not thinking about it. The reason I started thinking about it now is because I've attended several groups here in prison. Transactual Analysis, Dysfunctional Families, and Anger Control are a few of the groups along with several Psychological college courses I have taken. I have been searching to understand why I have chosen this fate I am burdened with. I have studied several different Psychological theories and I do feel very comfortable with myself now.
I came across some information printed from a group called "Stop Prisoner Rape" they wrote about RTS, and the crisis of Prisoner Rape around the country. I decided that it was time that I dealt with what happened to me. I need to process the experience. By writing about it I hope to draw out feelings that I buried away, deal with them, and put them to rest for good. In the process of doing this for myself I hope to reach other men who have gone through this and let them know they are not alone. Certain feelings, fantasies, and fears they have about it are not unique to them, reassure them they are still men, that their sexual preference hasn't necessarily been altered by it, and to seek help before they end up like me hurting others or themselves.
Until I read the "Stop Prisoner Rape" material I had no idea that male rape victims shared so many of the same feelings about the experience. 1 really thought that I was some kind of freak because of the many things I did, thought, and felt now, and at the time of the experience. That is why I went into such detail about what I did, what I felt, and what I was thinking before and after. I want the thousands of Raped men to know they are not alone. It wasn't their fault and they can survive this. I am a survivor, and I become stronger every day. I hope that female rape victims can also find something in this that might comfort them. Rape is rape no matter who it happens to. There are more similarities between men and women then differences. I shed tears for my sisters that have gone through this in so many different ways!!
There is only one way to be sure you will not become a male rape victim in jail or prison. That is to never be arrested. Anyone can be raped no matter how big he is. Anyone can be overwhelmed by numbers. One of the worst things you can say in jail or prison if you're not among friends is that you can not be raped. Many of these sick individuals will take it as a challenge and do it just because they can.
No comments:
Post a Comment